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lilmanj534
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Name: Jonathan
Country: United Kingdom
Metro: Manchester
Birthday: 10/11/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Well for those of you that know me im sure you know that im a bowling freak. Can't help it I love the sport and i did work at a bowling alley after all. For those of you that know my sad sad story its no big deal i'll get over it after all its only one year. Hmmm now lets see what other interests do I have, well heres a good one, falling in love becuase well i am, I think. At least it feels that way so wish me luck because i hope its real.
Expertise: Screwin up my life at every opportunity.
O and Cosme says im also an expert at being a cross dressing porn star. If you don't know what thats all about ask and I will explain....
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  lilmanjb54
Member Since:
10/29/2004
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| Time for an update on the life of Jon. Current status is life kinda sux right now. Work is pissing me off lately and that seems to just be causing me to be bitter about everything else as well. I interviewed for a management position and i got turned down which sucked bc even tho i told myself it wouldnt matter if i didnt get it, i secretly felt that i should have gotten it. I worked my ass off to be good at my job and learn everything i could but it doesnt really matter that my managers leave me in charge all the time and i do things above and beyond my position when none of those things can be told to the person that is in charge of hiring for management. Then i got a crap schedule this week and only got 2 shifts which blows so i picked up a few more bc i hate not having something to do and i want the money. I also started looking for a new job which i will hopefully find something. I talked to the manager at the buckle and she told me to fill out an application and she will call me to set up an interview so that was promising and hopefully i can start out in a management training capacity there.
As far as classes are concerned, they arent too bad just mostly boring. My envt econ class was actually really interesting the first couple classes and then we started actually talking about economics and i lost interest. Geology is the most boring thing ever and i have decided i dont care how igneous rocks form or what type they are because a rock is just that. Im still waiting for a letter of recommendation for my law school application and 2 for my peace corps application. I still have a month for the law school one but i would really like to send it and not worry about it. Im also starting to get annoyed bc my manager is sposed to do one for me for the peace corps and she keeps procrastinating on it which sux because it takes like 10 minutes. I am also not even sure if the other person ever got the email and i called but he never called me back so i need to try that again tomorrow.
On a final note, they still have not fixed the leaking sprinkler system pipes in my building which means the air compressor is still going off about every hour and im sleeping in di's bed. Im so frustrated and pissed off at them because they keep "fixing" it, assuming its good to go, and then i have to call them and tell them its not fixed and the cycle begins all over again. It has been a month of me calling 3 times a week telling them its still driving me crazy. I even had to call the housing authority and have them come out because i thought then they would be forced to fix it which they made them hire an outside contractor and said it needed to be fixed immediately but again they thought it was fixed stopped working on it and i had to call but now its the weekend so nothing has been done since wednesday. I seriously want to bust in the room with a sledge hammer and bust every single thing in sight. Maybe then they will fix the fuckin thing and all will be well.
On a final note, i really need to go out and have some fun because im very depressed lately and i dont like it one bit. Also i need to go work out this week because i stopped going and im very disappointed in myself. That is enough of my sad angry ramblings im sure it was all very interesting for you to read.
I leave you with this to consider.....If you have ever lost someone you cared about and could bring them back to life but it meant that someone else had to die in their place would you be willing to do so? Something interesting has come out of my death class after all. bye all!
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| So its been a long time since i updated and that is unusual so i should write a little now. My car died on me when i headed home for thanksgiving on wednesday which really sucked bc i spent like 3 hours sitting on the side of the highway. The car is still at home and hopefully being fixed. I hope whatever is wrong with it is not too serious but my dad couldnt fix it so it had to be taken to a mechanic. Hopefully it will be all better b4 this weekend and i can go home and pick it up. In the meantime i have my mom's car which isnt too bad but still i miss my heated seats. The other down side of my car was that i was in a hurry to get home because my grandpa was in the hospital. It wasnt looking good but he is better now so hopefully everything will be ok.
I also decided to tell my dad about my plans for the future and he seemed ok with it for the most part so that was good. He said that it was my decision and he would support whatever i wanted to do. I havent told my mom yet tho bc everything with my grandpa was going on and i decided i should wait to tell her since i dont really know how she will react to me not going to law school right away. I just need time, time to figure out what i really want out of life and a chance to do something that is really worth while. I always told myself that i wanted to change the world and while i still hope that one day i can really make a difference, i think that what i have planned will really be a positive thing. I do want to help people and while that is one of the reasons i want to go into the peace corps, i hope that it will be something even more amazing for me. I want to travel and i want to experience something new. Its time for a change in my life and i know i keep saying that but a part of me feels that i need to keep convincing myself of it because if i dont i may not go through with it.
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| This entry is dedicated to all those people that like reading my thoughts when they are bored or feel like killing time aka christ.
My car is angry and i need to take it to get it checked because the engine light wont go off but it is still running fine and so i am not sure what it is but hopefully it is not something too expensive because i have been spending waaaay too much money lately and it needs to stop. I knowt hat college is sposed to be fun and everything but every time i look at my bank statement it scares me to think that soon i will no longer be able to rely on my parents for financial assistance. I guess freedom does come at a price. I also need to figure out what else i want to take for next semester because as it stands i have 10 hours of classes and thats all i need to graduate but i need at least 2 more to be a full time student so what shall i take? I cant really think of any other classes that i want to take for fun anymore. I would take another english class but as much as i like reading the stuff and discussing it, im over the writing aspect at this point. I dont really want to do anymore lit analysis papers so that is out. Psych i have taken several classes as well and i think i have run out of interests in that area as well. I thought about maybe doing an anthropology class or possibly a horticulture class like vegetable gardening or soemthing but i dunno. I want a class that is interesting but i dont want it to be a ton of work because the classes that i have left for my major are actually a lot of work. There is also the possibility of something like ice skating or bowling or some crap like that but i dont know if i would really want to do that either. Someone also suggested i take a music class and intro to piano has kinda stuck in my mind a little. I do want to be able to play some sort of instrument and if i had my choice i think it would be piano. I like the way the piano sounds and i always like musicians that can play a piano and sing. There is something about that particular talent that draws me in.
As for the rest of life, i am still avoiding law school applications which is actually starting to scare me a little. I know i need to get things started especially for the sake of getting my letters of recommendation because things always get busier toward the end of the semester for professors. Why, if for all this time i have been so determined to go to law school, am i unable to do my applications? I had a plan that was carefully thought out and i was fairly confident that the plan was something i could really do and be happy with but now i just dont know what to do. I have been questioning everything in my life lately and that has led to my inability to act. Is it that i dont want to do law anymore or is it something else? I could be happy someday, really happy with everything in my life but right now there is this pressing darkness that is holding me down, pinning me to the ground and keeping me from acting. I want to break free. I want to be myself and never again feel that what i am isnt good enough. I want to truly feel comfortable in my own skin and not constantly feel like i am a failure. Karma is said to be the balance in life that rewards those who do good and punishes those who do evil. I feel like my karma has been negative lately and i dont know what i did to deserve it. Instead of things getting better, they just keep getting worse. Im frozen in place unable to move forward and worst of all, i keep looking back and wondering. I dont want to wonder or question and i certainly dont want to doubt whether my choices were right anymore. I did what i thought was the best thing, perhaps for everyone, and i want to be able to feel free from it. I try to be a good person. I want to be a good person. I want to be that person that when talked about is "a nice guy" and "always helpful" but even more so i want to be something more to someone. While a part of me never wants to feel again when it comes to love, another part of me is screaming out to find a connection with someone. Some people search there whole lives for meaning and that scares me. I want meaning in my life; true and powerful meaning. I want to have purpose and i want to be that person that knows who they are and is at peace with that person. Some day i hope that i can be the person i know in my heart i could be. I just hope that the some day is sooner rather than later because right now i am lost, adrift in this world where i find myself seeing less and less good in people and more and more selfishness and lies. I once believed that all people had good in them and faith was all you really needed to find it. Now i wonder whether it is worth trying to find the good in people, especially when they show such outward ill intent.
LITTLE WONDERS
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
Rob Thomas
It's the heart that really matters in the end..... | | |
| Soil judging is now officially over and i can get back to normalcy. I don't have saturday morning class anymore so that will be really really nice bc i get to go home finally and i really need to go home for a visit. For the most part the trip wasnt that bad. I had fun hanging out with everyone and i think we made a good team. As for my own performance.....there was much to be desired. I know i went into it not really caring because its not something i have an interest in but it turns out i was good at it; or at least i thought i was. In the end i didnt do so hot and im kinda sad about it. I tried really hard and i was learning everything and teaching everyone else too but in the end they all did better than me. I think the worst part is that when it came down to it, i did really crappy and thats what my grade will be based on. I hope that it turns out ok but now im really nervous that im going to do bad in the class which sux. Hopefully that aspect will be ok and it didnt turn out all bad. The team came in second and gets to go to nationals and two people from our team got into the top 5 individuals which is great.
As for the rest of life, im hanging in there by a thread. Everything is still messed up and its hard to live like this. I do miss her and every now and then it hits me but i know i cant go back. Im not a doormat and i cant let myself go through that again. | | |
| Lets recap, best day ever!!!!
I just want to say that usually my birthday is less than fun and a lot of the time a complete disappointment. I had such a good day and it makes me happy. My test ended up being really easy and quick and everything else was great. Dinner with my friends (minus di : ( but i still got to see her anyway b4 she left) and then a trip to canopy. Badfish was actually pretty good but i am very sleepy so we left a bit early but it was still fun and worth it. Everyone wants to be happy right? Well i am very happy right now. Hopefully this weekend will be also as exciting. I found out my friday class is cancelled so i dont have anything to do tomorrow and saturday i spend the day in indiana for soils which will hopefully not be too bad. After that i get to see a bunch of my friends and my sister which im very happy about. Lisa and mitch arent coming anymore which is sad but i plan on seeing both of them when i go home in a few weeks. WOOOOOOO, Good times. | | |
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